Financial Support

1.1 A Support System, Not a Second Client:

When you fund your adult child’s relocation case, remember that your child – not you – is the client. Even though you’re paying, you are not a party to the case or the attorney’s client. The American Bar Association’s ethics rules make this clear: a third-party payor “is not the client and has none of the privileges of a client” americanbar.org. In practical terms, this means decisions in the case must be driven by your child (the parent) and their lawyer, focusing on the child’s best interests – not the grandparent’s personal wishes.

1.2 Healthy Boundaries and Family Hierarchy:

Family therapists emphasize the importance of clear generational boundaries. As a grandparent, you are part of the extended family, not the immediate parent-child unit making legal decisions. Supporting your adult child requires respecting that hierarchy. Blurring these lines by trying to take charge can lead to enmeshment – a state where family roles and expectations become confused due to lack of boundaries psychcentral.com. Research on grandfamilies (where grandparents raise grandchildren) has shown that clarifying subsystem boundaries benefits family functioning cswe.org. By maintaining your supportive role (versus a controlling role), you help preserve a healthy family structure during litigation.

1.3 Power Dynamics: The “Power of the Purse”:

Writing the checks can create a subtle power dynamic. It’s natural to feel invested in how your money is used. But be cautious: the risk that the payor will seek to exert the power of the purse to control litigation decisions is well-documented americanbar.org. Ethics experts warn that if a payor “insists on making decisions relating to the representation and may withhold payment if dissatisfied,” the lawyer must resist that influence americanbar.org. As a supportive grandparent, you should consciously avoid wielding financial support as leverage. Instead, offer funds as a no-strings-attached gift to help your child fight for their child’s best interests, trusting them and their counsel to make the right calls.

2.1 The Privilege Belongs to the Client:

One of the most loving things you can do as a grandparent supporter is to respect the privacy of communications between your adult child and their attorney. Litigation can be stressful and you understandably want to stay informed. However, recognize that attorney-client communications are protected by privilege – and that privilege could be waived if shared freely with you. In general, allowing a third party to be present for or routinely receive attorney-client communications destroys the privilege nolo.com. Even though in many jurisdictions a spouse or parent paying fees does not automatically become privy to confidential information, any participation beyond writing the check should be carefully limited.

2.2 Ethical Guidelines for Third-Party Payors:

Attorneys are bound by ethics rules (e.g., ABA Model Rule 1.8(f)) when someone else pays a client’s fees. The lawyer must ensure three conditions are met: “(1) the client gives informed consent; (2) there is no interference with the lawyer’s independent professional judgment or the client-lawyer relationship; and (3) information relating to the representation of a client is protected” americanbar.org. As the payor, you should encourage your child to give informed consent in writing. Embrace this agreement – it protects your grandchild’s case. It may feel counterintuitive, but stepping back in this way is an act of trust that ultimately benefits your family.

2.3 Avoiding Accidental Privilege Breaches:

It’s best not to attend meetings with the attorney unless your presence is truly necessary and has been discussed. Even casual updates can be tricky – for instance, if your child’s lawyer emails a case update and your child forwards it to you, that forward could potentially be used by the opposing side to argue privilege was waived. Many attorneys will refuse to include third parties on emails or calls for this very reason. Don’t take it personally. By keeping the attorney-client channel clear and confidential, you strengthen the case’s legal position.

3.1 The Value of Emotional Encouragement:

Funding a relocation litigation is only one aspect of support; your emotional support is equally valuable. Relocation cases (where one parent seeks to move away with the child) are notoriously intense and high-conflict. As a grandparent, you can be a steady source of comfort and confidence for your adult child. Research in family psychology indicates that when parents feel supported by their own parents (the grandparents), they tend to cope better and even parent more effectively greatergood.berkeley.edu. In one study, mothers who reported strong cooperative relationships with grandparents felt more competent in parenting, which positively impacted the grandchildren’s social development greatergood.berkeley.edu. Applying this here: If you remain positive, reassuring, and affirm your trust in your child’s decisions throughout the case, you bolster their confidence.

3.2 Active Listening vs. Advising:

It’s natural to want to give advice or even direct your child’s actions (after all, you have decades more life experience). But in the context of litigation support, active listening is often more helpful than constant advice. Your adult child is likely receiving plenty of advice (from lawyers, possibly therapists or custody evaluators, etc.). What they need from you is a compassionate ear and unconditional love. Allow them to vent frustrations about the case without immediately adding your judgment or “I told you so.” Validate their feelings: e.g., “I can imagine how stressful this is for you.” Offer gentle confidence boosts: e.g., “You’ve prepared so well with your attorney – I believe in you.” This approach aligns with best practices from mental health professionals, who suggest family supporters focus on empathy and understanding rather than criticism or second-guessing digitalcommons.lib.uconn.edu. By being a calm presence, you help your child regulate their own emotions in this high-stress process.

3.3 Avoiding Undermining Behaviors:

Be mindful not to undermine your adult child’s authority or confidence, especially in front of your grandchild. Even well-intentioned statements like “I think your lawyer should do X” or contradicting your child’s decisions in the presence of the child can be harmful. Studies on coparenting dynamics warn that when grandparents undermine parents or openly conflict with them, it can hurt the parent’s sense of efficacy and potentially confuse or distress the child greatergood.berkeley.edu. For example, if a grandparent openly doubts the legal strategy in front of the parent or grandchild, the parent may feel less capable, and the child may internalize the tension. To be a truly positive support, keep any disagreements or doubts you have private. Discuss them delicately with your child (and never with the grandchild). Present a united front that Grandma/Grandpa believes in Mom/Dad. This unified support reduces the emotional burden on the child who may already feel caught between adults.

4.1 Recognizing Enmeshment vs. Healthy Involvement:

In family systems literature, enmeshment is when family members become overly involved in each other’s lives to the point of losing individual autonomy psychcentral.com. During a relocation case, the intense stakes can pull grandparents into enmeshed patterns – for instance, if you find yourself losing sleep over the case, monitoring every development, and feeling the outcome is your responsibility. It’s important to step back and differentiate: this is your child’s fight, and you are a supporter, not a combatant. Maintaining some separateness – your own hobbies, social life, and self-care – is healthy. It models resilience to your child. If every conversation you have with your adult child revolves around the case, consider setting aside “litigation-free” time each week where you talk about other things (the grandchild’s school, shared interests, a TV show you both like). This prevents the legal conflict from consuming the entire family’s identity.

4.2 The Pitfall of Triangulation:

Triangulation is a common dynamic in conflicted families, where a third person (often a grandparent or other relative) gets pulled into the middle of a dispute between two others (the parents) kansascityfamilylaw.com. In a relocation dispute, you might feel inclined to take on the role of intermediary or messenger between your child and the opposing parent, or between your child and their ex-spouse’s family. Avoid this role. While it might seem you’re helping (“I’ll talk some sense into the other parent” or “I’ll negotiate with the in-laws”), it usually backfires. Triangulation can actually escalate conflict and stress the grandchild who may become aware of family factions. Therapists advise keeping boundaries: let the parents (and their attorneys) handle direct negotiations and conflict with each other kansascityfamilylaw.com. Your focus should be on supporting your child’s position in court in appropriate ways (like a written declaration if needed, or simply moral support), but not on becoming a go-between or forming an alliance that deepens the divide. By staying out of the triangle, you help de-escalate tensions, which is ultimately better for your grandchild’s well-being.

4.3 Balancing Influence and Autonomy:

Grandparents often have wisdom and can be a voice of reason – you do have a valuable perspective. The key is to share your perspective without overstepping. For example, if you strongly disagree with a risky legal move, you can express concerns calmly: “I have some worries about that strategy; have you considered the potential cost or how a judge might react? I’ll support you no matter what you decide, but I felt I should mention it.” This kind of input is respectful and leaves the decision to your child. Contrast that with a controlling approach: “I forbid you from doing that, not on my dime!” The latter crosses a boundary and can breed resentment or shame. By giving input and stepping back, you allow your child to exercise autonomy. Family systems research emphasizes that adult children need room to make their own choices (and even mistakes) to maintain a healthy parent–adult child relationship psychcentral.compsychcentral.com. In supporting a litigation, your measured influence (advice offered when asked, or gently when absolutely necessary) paired with ultimate acceptance of your child’s autonomy creates the best environment for success. It empowers your child to take ownership of their case, which will serve them well in court and in parenting.

By providing financial help without strings attached, respecting confidential attorney-client communications, and reinforcing healthy boundaries, you truly act in your grandchild’s best interests. This collaborative, not controlling, approach tends to foster better family outcomes. Research shows that when extended family support is high and conflict is low, children have fewer emotional and behavioral problems pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov . Your ethical and loving support can reduce conflict levels. Grandchildren do better when grandparents and parents are aligned and respectful of each other’s roles greatergood.berkeley.edu.

In sum, be there as a rock of support, not a second parent or second lawyer. Your role is unique: you can provide resources and reassurance that no one else can. By staying within healthy boundaries, you ensure those contributions strengthen rather than strain the case. This page is meant to be shared – attorneys and therapists may use it to help well-meaning grandparents understand how to help constructively. Embrace this guidance as part of CR360’s mission to support families in relocation disputes. Your wholehearted, yet bounded, support can tip the scales toward a more positive resolution for your grandchild’s future.

Next Steps: Consider exploring CR360’s Grandparent Support Resources, which offer further reading and even workshops on constructive family involvement. Professionals working with you (attorneys or therapists) can also reach out to CR360 for guidance on integrating family support in relocation cases. Together, by staying informed and empathetic, you and your team can navigate the relocation journey in the most supportive way possible.